Fanfiction Group Therapy
by piratequeen0405
Summary: Written for inucomedyclub community on Live Journal, Phobia Provocation. This is a parody; no offense intended.


Kagome bustled into Room 123 and took one of the few empty chairs. She set her coffee cup on the floor, shuffled through some papers, scanned the participants in attendance, and began. "I'm glad to see many familiar faces back today," she chirped. "This is the Wednesday Ten a.m. Arachnophobia Meeting, and as you know I am Kagome Higurashi, Licensed Clinical Social Worker. I see everyone, well almost everyone," she paused, noting Sesshoumaru's empty hands, "has taken advantage of the complimentary coffee and doughnuts. I thought we'd begin by going around the circle, one at a time, doing reintroductions and giving a brief word about his or her particular experience with arachnophobia." She turned to the bishie with long black hair and odd, lavender eyes seated next to her. "We have a new-comer today. Would you care to start?"

"My name is Neji Hyuga, and ever since fighting Kidoumaru in the Sasuke Retrieval Arc, I've been deathly afraid of spiders."

"Ooo, I'm sorry, Neji," Kagome apologized. "This is an Inuyasha Universe Only Meeting. We deal exclusively with Naraku-Induced Arachnophobia. There is a Crossover Dance Therapy Session about to start in the room next door. I'm sure they would be happy to accommodate your needs."

He bowed solemnly and left, all female eyes trained on his shapely ass.

"Alright, let's try again," Kagome continued. "Will the next person take a turn, stating why it is that Naraku has induced such a state of fear and loathing."

"My name is Inuyasha, and I hate and fear Naraku because he tricked Kikyou and me into betraying each other, causing me to be pinned to a tree for a long-assed time, and making my daily life a living hell since then."

Kagome smiled softly. "Very good, Inuyasha. If I don't count the A-word and the H-word, you managed to say all that without cursing. I think Anger Management Classes are helping. Congratulations at your self-control. Next."

"This Sesshoumaru needs no introduction."

Kagome rolled her eyes. There was one in every group. The Non-Conformist. It was best just to humor him; these types were only after the attention. "Please go on, Sesshoumaru."

"I hate the bastard, half-breed Naraku because…I heard that some fangirls think he's prettier than me."

Inuyasha scoffed. "HA! Don't take it personally that some prefer tall, dark, and handsome to big, fluffy Nancy boys."

Sesshoumaru sprang out of his chair, grabbed his half-brother by the throat, and, with a cry of "Die, Inuyasha!" proceeded to throttle him.

"Hey! HEY! Stop that! Stop NOW you two or I'll send you both on another Sibling Rivalry Weekend Retreat," Kagome shouted. The brothers quickly sat, the potent threat being more than enough to encourage reasonable behavior. "Kouga and Sesshoumaru, will you switch places?" Seats were exchanged.

"Mongrel," Kouga sneered. Inuyasha lunged toward the wolf, swiping with his claws.

"Dammit, Inuyasha, STOP! That seating wouldn't work either." She turned to the demon slayer seated next to her. "Sango, be a peach and trade places with Sesshoumaru. Kouga back to your original spot." Once everyone was again in a chair, Kagome gestured Sango to go on.

"My name is Sango, and I fear and hate Naraku because he killed my entire family and enslaved my brother."

Kouga chimed in. "Yeah, where the hell is Kohaku anyway?"

"Kohaku, Rin, and Jaken are all in Intensive Codependency Sessions, because a certain someone, who will remain nameless," Kagome looked aside at Sesshoumaru, "won't let them grow as individuals. Now then, who's next?"

"My name is Kouga, and I hate and fear Naraku because he used Kagura to murder my tribe." He stared from Kagome to Inuyasha. "How come he gets to sit next to you? You're _my_ woman, you know."

Kagome sighed. "Kouga, I thought we got past this in Confront-Your-Stalker Therapy. I won't hesitate to file a restraining order against you, and I hate to do that, because I think these sessions are really helping your spider fear. Now please, let's stick to the topic. Next?"

"My name is Shippou, and I'm afraid of Naraku, 'cause he's scary, but my father was killed by the Thunder Brothers, so…I'm really just here for the free doughnuts."

Kagome beamed indulgently at the little fox demon. "You're so cute! Next!"

"My name is Kagura, and…I hate and fear Naraku because…because…he controls my heart," she finished quickly.

"Kagura," Kagome prodded, "I'm sensing some reluctance. Is there something you're not telling us? You _are_ among friends." Kagome glared at Kouga, who was growling loudly.

"Oh, it's so embarrassing," the wind sorceress admitted, visibly chagrinned. "I…I read a fanfic that 'shipped me and Naraku." She buried her face in her hands.

Sango laughed derisively. "Is that it, bitch? Get a life—we've all been paired with Naraku."

Kagura peeked through her fingers and looked around the circle at the nodding, understanding faces.

"I haven't!" Shippou said proudly.

Everyone turned sympathetic, patronizing eyes to the kitsune. "Honey, you have been; you just don't know about it yet," Kagome said gently. "Naraku's been paired with Sailor Moon, for heaven's sake."

Shippou cringed. "Maybe I do have a reason to hate him," he shuddered, desperately attempting to block out the visuals.

"Yes, there are a plethora of unconventional pairings in circulation," Kagome agreed. "Inucest is more popular than ever."

Sesshoumaru and Inuyasha shot hot, mixed messages at each other.

"Now that I think of it," Kagura said, happy to put attention elsewhere, "I think I heard about Soulcest recently. Does it make you _wet_, Kagome?"

She pursed her lips, hating when the conversation turned to her. "It's so creepy, it's erotic, if you must know," she said haughtily. "But this isn't about me. It's about me helping _you_ overcome _your_ fears."

The others, giggling, would not be put off. "Speaking of Kikyou, where _is_ your look-alike, Kagome?" Kagura asked snidely.

The LCSW furrowed her brow angrily. "She decided her time would be best spent in Passive Aggressive Meetings and declined to attend. I hated to enable her disaffirmation, but her attitude lately has been sucking the synergy out of the group. Now I'd like to continue. Kagura, is there anything you'd like to add regarding your Naraku-Induced Arachnophobia?"

"Only that maybe I'm more turned on than afraid now."

Kagome couldn't decide if this was a positive, healthy development or not. "Oohhkaayy…Miroku?"

At that moment a polite, yet magically charming voice interrupted. "Excuse me, sorry I'm late. My name is Clarissica."

They turned to see a tall, stunning woman with magenta hair, gravity-defying breasts, and jade-colored eyes standing in the doorway. They all immediately knew she was of incomparable intelligence, a long-lost princess, with a baby unicorn for a pet. "No," said Kagome with disgust, "the Mary Sue Support Group is down the hall, Room 146." Kagome faced forward. "Attention seekers…so pathetic," she muttered under her breath. "Miroku, please continue."

The lusty monk, not immune to Mary Sues, shifted his robes to cover his stiffening cock, consciously ignoring the murderous intent in Sango's glare. "My name is Miroku, and I hate Naraku because he cursed my family with the Kazaana, which will eventually consume me if he is not defeated."

"Very good. And we've already heard from Sesshoumaru, so that leaves me. As I said, my name is Kagome, and Naraku has never harmed me or my family personally, so I don't really hate him."

The others reacted with a mixture of laughter, snorts, and coughs. "Denial," sputtered Inuyasha.

"Not just the river in Egypt," taunted Sango.

"Hell, she's fucking swimming in it," observed Kouga, contemplating the fairness of someone who was obviously so clueless counseling others.

"Now then, I thought we had made a few breakthroughs last week, so I'm going to try something new today." She took out a stack of paper and bundle of pencils. "Art therapy!" She paused for the inevitable groans and dramatic eye rolls. "Take one paper and one pencil," she said handing them to Inuyasha, who passed them down. "On the paper you will see a crudely drawn spider. Take your pencil and make whatever changes you deem necessary in order for the spider to seem less frightening. The therapeutic objective is to assist you in reclaiming some of the self-mastery Naraku has stolen and asserting your dominance over your arachnophobia. You have five minutes."

Miroku made masturbation motions at all the therapistspeak, but quickly got to work after receiving his drawing.

After five minutes Kagome said, "Let's take turns now and display the results of our self-actualization. Inuyasha, please start."

Inuyasha held up his drawing. His spider had a sword stuck in its head, was spurting blood, and had X's over the eyes. "Violent, but effective. Very good Inuyasha. Sango, you're next."

Sango's spider had nerd glasses, a child-molester mustache, and buck teeth. "I see," Kagome said, "you made it look stupid. Much less threatening. Well done. Kouga?"

Kouga's drawing depicted a giant foot hovering over the spider. "Mmm hmm, imminent squishing, very good. I like that the death is implied, much less rage on display than others," she said, making sure Inuyasha got her point. "You are showing remarkable self-restraint, Kouga." Kouga smirked at Inuyasha, who snarled in return.

Next was Shippou, whose picture showed the spider crying, wearing a baby bonnet, with a bottle and rattle nearby. "Excellent, Shippou. A rather pathetic spider. Kagura?"

She held up her picture. "Kagura, you drew the spider as a sex slave?" The spider was wearing a dog collar, ball gag, and leather ponyplay harness. "Kouga, will you cover Shippou's eyes, please."

"I think I'm over my arachnophobia," Kagura moaned, rubbing her tits.

Kagome clapped her hands to get attention. "Please stop! While I won't condemn your autoeroticism Kagura, we may need to work on your Exhibitionism if you can't exercise self-control."

Miorku showed his picture. The spider, surrounded by bottles, was spewing something that appeared to be vomit from its mouth and had a thought bubble, which Kagome squinted to see. "I'm so fucked up…beer before liquor, never sicker. Shit I wish I'd remembered that…" she read. "Miroku, that's truly revolting. But, I have to admit, an ass-drunk spider is not very intimidating. Good job. Sesshoumaru, you're next. What did you do to the spider to make it less threatening?"

"See for yourself," he answered with complete disinterest and handed her the drawing. The spider had white hair, puppy ears sticking up, a long tongue hanging out of its mouth, and a speech bubble containing the words 'My Mommy was a whore. Pity me'.

"Awww you made it look like Inuyasha. Very cute—"

"That's it, bastard! I've been putting up with your SHIT for too goddam long," the hanyou screamed, rushing at his brother, "Iron Reaver—"

"As if you can challenge _me_, weakling," Sesshoumaru said dismissively, preparing to douse Inuyasha with poison from his claws.

Kagome intervened quickly with the rolled up newspaper she kept near for this precise situation. "Stop NOW you BAD _BAD_ dogs," she ordered hitting them both. After beating them both back into their respective chairs, she said, "You have all made such fine progress today on the art therapy piece, I think I'll bring in our guest." She opened a door to an adjoining room, and Naraku glided in, a satisfied smirk on his face. "Everyone, I want you to take turns and calmly tell Naraku that he can no longer—"

"Daddy!" screamed an ecstatic Kagura, who threw herself at a now-shocked Naraku, planting loud kisses all over his face. Kouga saw the two beings he hated most in the world together and snapped. When Inuyasha, never wanting to be outdone by the wolf, saw his rival running toward his nemesis, he followed quickly behind. Miroku, Sango, and Shippou didn't want to be left out and joined the fray.

"Crap," said Kagome despondently, "I rushed things. I should have held off on the confrontation piece until next week. I'm such a shitty group leader," she pouted. Sesshoumaru was nonchalantly examining his claws. "Aren't you going to join them?" Kagome asked sarcastically.

"Such actions are beneath me," he deadpanned.

Kagome felt a sudden relapse of her sexual compulsive behavior. "What else would you like beneath you?" she cooed as she ran a hand lightly down his washboard abs. "There's an inexplicably conveniently located hot spring behind this building."

Sesshoumaru looked down at the pretty, blushing human who was playing with the waist band of his pants. "Why not. I've got half an hour to kill before my Narcissistic Personality Disorder meeting."

They exited, leaving the melee and a trail of torn clothing behind.


End file.
